Recently I was reminded of a conversation I had with a student while serving as an elementary principal. When I would have students in my office it was a habit of mine to ask them about their plans for the future. I would do this for several reasons. First, I genuinely wanted to know. Second, I wanted them to be thinking about it. Third it gave us a chance to have a conversation about what it takes to achieve that career goal. If the student was in my office for a behavior incident, this conversation could segue into the relationship between the behavior and their career goals. Does it hinder or help them in meeting those goals and what could be done to prevent that from happening again. I would also ask how I could assist them in that process.
This line of questioning often got mixed results, but on most occasions it provided the student with enough time to calm down and we could have a genuine conversation about their behavior. This calm conversation also allowed me to get a better understanding of what might be going on in their life and how that might be related to their behavior. I am a firm believer that Newton’s third law goes well beyond physics, but extends into the psyche. What I mean by that is there is a reason for every behavior we see in students. Similar to the action-reaction principle of Newton’s third law. Many times it is like a break shot in a game of pool. One action, striking the cue, passes from the cue ball to the first ball into all the others.
Likewise, when a student acts out in an inappropriate manner, it can often be traced back to events outside the school day that are much like the collisions in the break shot. It passes from one person to another and effects more people as it moves.
As I mentioned earlier, one particular conversation came to mind. I don’t really know what brought it back up, but it really resonated with me as I thought about it. This conversation was with a particularly challenging student. This student had experienced much of his life without a parent because of incarceration and had also lost the biggest stabilizer in his life with the passing of his grandmother.
This student had experienced significant trauma in his life and often acted out in class or on the playground. The two of us had multiple conversations about his actions, and he was probably the most honest student about his behavior that I ever worked with. He would walk in, tell me exactly what he did and why. He wouldn’t do that with everyone, but he had developed enough trust in me and knew that I would be fair to him and the consequences for his actions would be fair as well.
On one of these occasions we had a conversation about his future and what he wanted to do when he grew up. This student shared that his life goal was to be on PitBulls and Parolees. When he said that, my heart broke. So much had happened in this young person’s life that the best he thought he could do would be to be a cast member of a show that the one prerequisite was to have had run-ins with the law. He had witnessed his parents, aunts/uncles and siblings work outside the law and either saw that as normal or somehow thought he was destined to do the same.
How much does a student have to go through to have that mindset by the age of 10? I couldn’t begin to imagine. His goal was not to become a welder, or a doctor. Not a teacher or a fireman, or an electrical engineer. His goal was to get out of jail and get a second chance by working with dogs on this rescue ranch. At that point our conversation began to shift and we started talking about how he didn’t need the second chance but could start out with that as his goal. He could work with rescue animals without needing to go to jail first.
With that in mind, along with other factors, we began to work towards placement at a boys ranch for this student. This would fit his interests and put him in an environment where he might have a better chance for success. Allow him to set some goals, have more structure and remove some of the obstacles he faced at the time. We were unsuccessful in our endeavors.
What kind of trauma had this young person experienced to normalize that way of thinking and to get to a point where he thought his only option was to first go to jail before he could actually get a shot in life. I know the teachers that this student had all the way through and every one of them loved him and did everything they could to show how much they cared. The counselors that worked with him did the same and despite all of that he had experienced enough that he still thought this was his only path to success.
How do you help a student in that situation? It can be tiring, and make you wonder if it is all worth it. I wish I had a great answer for you, but I don’t. We continue to love them, look out for them and offer them hope. We put people in their lives that can provide the best opportunity for them. We hope that it makes a difference. We may see it soon, we may see it later in their school career, we may see it after they graduate from an alternative school or we may never see the outcome we hoped for. But we cannot give up.
We must continue to be the light in the lives of our students. We must provide whatever hope, support and compassion our students need because they may not have it anywhere else. We may be the highlight of their day. We cannot waste it.
This line of questioning often got mixed results, but on most occasions it provided the student with enough time to calm down and we could have a genuine conversation about their behavior. This calm conversation also allowed me to get a better understanding of what might be going on in their life and how that might be related to their behavior. I am a firm believer that Newton’s third law goes well beyond physics, but extends into the psyche. What I mean by that is there is a reason for every behavior we see in students. Similar to the action-reaction principle of Newton’s third law. Many times it is like a break shot in a game of pool. One action, striking the cue, passes from the cue ball to the first ball into all the others.
Likewise, when a student acts out in an inappropriate manner, it can often be traced back to events outside the school day that are much like the collisions in the break shot. It passes from one person to another and effects more people as it moves.
As I mentioned earlier, one particular conversation came to mind. I don’t really know what brought it back up, but it really resonated with me as I thought about it. This conversation was with a particularly challenging student. This student had experienced much of his life without a parent because of incarceration and had also lost the biggest stabilizer in his life with the passing of his grandmother.
This student had experienced significant trauma in his life and often acted out in class or on the playground. The two of us had multiple conversations about his actions, and he was probably the most honest student about his behavior that I ever worked with. He would walk in, tell me exactly what he did and why. He wouldn’t do that with everyone, but he had developed enough trust in me and knew that I would be fair to him and the consequences for his actions would be fair as well.
On one of these occasions we had a conversation about his future and what he wanted to do when he grew up. This student shared that his life goal was to be on PitBulls and Parolees. When he said that, my heart broke. So much had happened in this young person’s life that the best he thought he could do would be to be a cast member of a show that the one prerequisite was to have had run-ins with the law. He had witnessed his parents, aunts/uncles and siblings work outside the law and either saw that as normal or somehow thought he was destined to do the same.
How much does a student have to go through to have that mindset by the age of 10? I couldn’t begin to imagine. His goal was not to become a welder, or a doctor. Not a teacher or a fireman, or an electrical engineer. His goal was to get out of jail and get a second chance by working with dogs on this rescue ranch. At that point our conversation began to shift and we started talking about how he didn’t need the second chance but could start out with that as his goal. He could work with rescue animals without needing to go to jail first.
With that in mind, along with other factors, we began to work towards placement at a boys ranch for this student. This would fit his interests and put him in an environment where he might have a better chance for success. Allow him to set some goals, have more structure and remove some of the obstacles he faced at the time. We were unsuccessful in our endeavors.
What kind of trauma had this young person experienced to normalize that way of thinking and to get to a point where he thought his only option was to first go to jail before he could actually get a shot in life. I know the teachers that this student had all the way through and every one of them loved him and did everything they could to show how much they cared. The counselors that worked with him did the same and despite all of that he had experienced enough that he still thought this was his only path to success.
How do you help a student in that situation? It can be tiring, and make you wonder if it is all worth it. I wish I had a great answer for you, but I don’t. We continue to love them, look out for them and offer them hope. We put people in their lives that can provide the best opportunity for them. We hope that it makes a difference. We may see it soon, we may see it later in their school career, we may see it after they graduate from an alternative school or we may never see the outcome we hoped for. But we cannot give up.
We must continue to be the light in the lives of our students. We must provide whatever hope, support and compassion our students need because they may not have it anywhere else. We may be the highlight of their day. We cannot waste it.
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